Tue 7 September 2010 5:40 pm

other news:

Excommunicate! Dr Who star in bid for papacy
Actor Christopher Eccleston has expressed an interest in becoming the new Pope [more...]

God fights controversial best-seller
The Almighty speaks out against ridiculous claims made in best-selling book [more...]

Second Aliens / Sitcom Crossover Film Planned
Following the success of Aliens vs Concert Party Fox and the BBC announce details of Alien in Porridge [more...]

Aliens vs Concert Party Greenlighted
Classic Sci-Fi/BBC comedy crossover given the go-ahead [more...]

Pooh Arrested
More drunken behaviour from the Bear-Of-Very-Little-Brain [more...]

Secrets of Oz Unearthed
Shocking deleted scenes and out-takes from the Wizard of Oz discovered [more...]

War on Earth's Core
President George W Bush declares war on the Earth's core in retaliation for earthquake [more...]

US Military issue set of collectables
Consternation over the US Military's scheme to catch Iraqi war criminals by issuing soldiers with trading cards [more...]

Sad's Army: New Series
Return of the popular series featuring the exploits of the boys of the Republican Home Guard during Gulf War 2 [more...]

Trek Star Speaks!
Interview with Patrick Stewart, taking break from his portrayal of Mekon in forthcoming Hollywood blockbuster [more...]

Not Fair!
Bin Laden in chat show pledge to continue terror [more...]

Royal Family drawn to the Dark Side
Queen reveals that the force is strong with the Duke of Edinburgh [more...]

Plastermind Revisited
Rake the hidden toad [more...]

Countryside Alliance March
Fasten all gates. Keep your dogs under control. Use gates and stiles to cross fences, hedges and walls. Leave livestock, crops and machinery alone. [more...]

Carry on Christ
Film world rocked by discovery of controversial "lost" Carry On film [more...]

Giant Police
Dramatic drop in crime in city centre following the introduction of giant officers [more...]

Priests Strike
Industrial action by the church enters third week; no sign of reconciliation between clergy and God [more...]

Belligerent Ghouls
Manchester headmaster behind bars after allegations made in opening track on album [more...]

The Cost of Meetings
Report reveals that British Industry loses 500,000 working years per annum due to meetings [more...]

Genetic Modification
Shocking revelation that GM organisms have been around for centuries [more...]

Devil arrested in Florida

The devil was arrested yesterday in a surprise raid on an illegal casino in Tallahassee, Florida. Officers of the vice squad were expecting to make a large number of arrests, but hadn't been prepared to believe they'd net such a big fish.

“I couldn't believe it when I saw him,” said arresting officer Jefferson Greengarner, “But as soon as I realised who it was I slapped the cuffs on him.”

Kenneth Lucifer Beelzebub, 6512, is being held in Leon County Jail and has already pleaded not guilty to four thousand six hundred and twenty seven counts of incitement to murder. He also faces committal proceedings on approximately six billion remaining charges later this month.

However, should Beelzebub be found guilty of all charges, this could cause millions of problems for the justice system worldwide, as it will undoubtedly lead to accusations of the wrongful arrest of anyone who claimed “the Devil made me do it”.

“This could cause problems,” admitted Schiff Marrowcaesar, District Attorney of Tallahassee, “So what we're going to do is hold him under the anti-terrorist Patriot Act until we can decide which of his many crimes we'd prefer to prosecute him for. I'm sure there's something that won't also simultaneously get millions of lowlives of the hook. Credit card fraud or something.”

However, activists led by the Apalachicola Bill of Rights Defense Campaign are seeing this as yet another infringement of demonic rights and have organized a protest next week intended to persuade Tallahassee City Council to release Beelzebub on bail.

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